But I Don’t Want To!
More and more I am coming to the understanding that almost every time God calls me to an act of obedience, initially, I don’t want to do it. Whether it is out of frustration, being uncomfortable or rebellion, my first reaction is almost always hesitance. I guess that’s why obedience is a choice and the reason that we have to engage our wills to do the things God asks us to do. I guess that’s why the rewards of obedience are so great and the consequences of disobedience so severe. In every choice we make we tell God who we love the most.
I am a firefighter/paramedic and I have taken many sick people to the hospital over the years. It’s only been in the last couple of years that I have allowed God to move through me in the midst of my job and I have seen some amazing things. I have seen hope restored with a prayer, freedom gained through a prophetic word. I have ministered deliverance in the back of the rescue and seen the captives set free from demons. I have seen miraculous healings and I have seen God raise the dead. You would think that seeing all of these things would make it really hard to not want to be obedient every time.
Sometimes holding onto compassion is a very difficult thing especially doing what I do. Trust me, you transport enough people to the hospital who called 911 because they felt “tingly” in their fingers or because their toes hurt or because they have dry mouth (yes I have run all of those calls more than once) and it’s very easy for compassion to fade. Before you know it, you are judging people and just angry. The problem is that Jesus’ ministry was full of compassion. God is love. Compassion is rooted in love and so if we lose compassion we really lose God.
A couple of weeks ago my compassion had been under attack and a degree of “hardness” had ebbed its way into my heart. We got called to a woman who was complaining of a headache that had been going on for 3 days. She said it was worse and so she wanted us to take her to the hospital. This was not a migraine it was just a nuisance. Certainly not an emergency and I was annoyed. I judged her as just another person abusing the system. This woman took forever to get out of the house. It seemed like she had 50 things she wanted to do before she left and I was doing everything short of actually pulling her out the door. I was really frustrated now. My compassion for this woman was “0.” We loaded her up and started toward the hospital. I was interacting with this woman as little as I could. She continued to talk to me about her life. I wasn’t really listening. When we were a couple of minutes away from the hospital she did something I wasn’t prepared for and it made me mad. She asked me to pray for her. I did NOT want to pray for this woman. I was thinking “Really! You call me for a headache, abusing 911, take forever to get out of the house and you want me to pray for you.” I knew God wanted me to do this but I said, NO! I told her I would, but I didn’t.
We pulled into the hospital a minute later and took her into the ER. The whole way in I was under constant, heavy conviction for being disobedient. We put her in the ER bed assigned to her and I couldn’t take the conviction any longer. I looked at her and said “did you want me to pray for you?” She said “yes” and so I said a quick, mildly annoyed prayer without much feeling at all. When I was done I looked at her and what happened next really blew me away. Her eyes were tearing up as she began to open up to me about many very painful and terrible things she had been through. It was like a flood gate opened. This woman who I hadn’t really treated very well poured out her heart to me. To tell you the truth I was actually annoyed at this. God has used me to minister to many people and I knew that’s where this was heading and I was still mad at her. I still had to make a choice in that moment to be obedient. Isn’t that crazy?! As this woman continued to share, God melted the hardness in my heart and I decided to forgive this woman and allow God to work through me. As I said “yes” to God I felt the compassion and love come back in full force. My annoyance and anger left and I proceeded to minister to this woman prophetically. As I spoke the words God gave me to speak I could see the work going on in this woman’s spirit and soul. There was a battle taking place. God planted a seed with a call to action in this woman. She was deeply touched and emotional. I was filled with joy! What a privilege to be used by God in this way!
I don’t know what is going to happen to this woman. I hope to see her in the Kingdom some day. I learned some lessons. God can definitely use us in spite of ourselves. A half sincere prayer is what God used to open the gates for this woman. I learned, once again, the joys of obedience. I became painfully aware of lost compassion which led me to some deep repentance and restoration of my relationship with God. I learned, once again, that obedience is always a choice. It’s a choice that, if we obey, promises to bring us and those around us so much joy and fulfillment. Every call to obedience is huge and you can almost guarantee that your initial reaction is going to be “I don’t want to” every time. The question God is asking is “Are you going to do it anyway.” Who do you love the most? God Bless!
Jesse Birkey
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